fitness journey · Uncategorized

The head of a Fat Girl

We all know her. We have seen her and mocked her for eating that ice cream alone. Have seen her stuffing a hamburger and feeling pity for her weight. We have told her to lose weight and have given her advice on how to eat properly or workout more effectively. We think we know better because we are thinner than she is. Because being thin is the only measure of fitness and health. We know better because we are better.

But, are we?

I was 200 pounds once, tipping the scale to such an extent that I stopped weighing myself. I lost 100 pounds and have been steady for the past 2 years, now gaining some courage to start building muscle and accept my body.

But losing weight is not a physical process, it is more of a mental one. You may not look like your old self but you still feel like her. She is lurking in the corner somewhere.

When you open the fridge to cook something “healthy” she is there right beside the door staring at the piece of chocolate you have kept as a cheat meal. When you are trying new clothes at a store, she is right next to you criticising your tummy and fat thighs, love handles and fat arms. When you are out on a Friday night, she is in front of you with all the others who judge you for how you dress and how you look.

She never leaves.

When people come to me and compliment me for losing weight, I feel happy but she feels sad. Is she not worth anything? All her achievements in life mean nothing because she weighed 200 pounds?

Because she is fat, people think it is ok to call her names knowing full well she can hear them?

Because she is fat, it is all right for relatives and friends to come and give her advice on what to eat and judge her?

Because she is fat it is ok for mothers to point her out to their daughters and scare them?

Because she is fat she is not worth anything and now that you have lost the weight, the only thing you will ever hear is “how good you look now” because she was ugly.

Because fat was ugly.

Because fat IS ugly.

She will always be with you.

She will always be you.

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